Terastas

I've had a serious urge to write something meaningful in here since I first registered, so since this essay went over extremely well with my Writing 101 class, maybe somebody will get a kick out of it here as well.
I would just like to point out, however, that in my references to fantasies not possible, I was NOT thinking of fur as an example. I've already written three other essays in this class to prove otherwise.

Being Amish for Dummies

Many of my friends often comment on how high I have set the bar for myself. I find this odd, especially since I’d always grown up thinking I’d set my standards pretty low; if I’m Amish, my parents must have been medieval. That could be the answer, but I still find it odd that my parents were the only ones that wanted the absolute best from their children. I have therefore concluded that it was not what they expected of me, but the simple manor in which I dealt with the three greatest teenage temptations: sex, drugs, and alcohol. Therefore, here are some helpful suggestions on how to avoid pitfalls and become truly medieval in the 21st century.

Sex

“Here are some tits; drink Coke.” I could have written that just to get your attention, but when you think about it, that’s pretty much the way all advertising works. Marketing has taken Sigmund Freud to a whole new level, constantly bombarding TV viewers (etc.) with implications towards the bedroom. With such pressure being placed upon something which is already imbedded in human instinct, how could one not feel the urge to multiply?

It might be too late for you, but if you’re a new parent and reading this for advice on how to help your kids, the first thing you should do is cut the cabbage patch baloney and tell them like it is. Your son should really know that breasts produce milk long before he starts dating (my father’s parents learned that one the hard way). If, on the other hand, you are mature and sex is a relatively familiar concept, you’ve probably been tempted at one time or another. And, if you’re a veteran, you might have reached that point where you need to (shall we say) spice things up a little bit. Think of it in terms of crack: you can’t downgrade.

The secret, therefore, is to acknowledge that sex is something all of us are going to want a little bit of. Once this is evident, you might also notice that everyone has their own little individual quirks; something that turns them on which they’d be embarrassed to admit to anyone about (you may not notice this, but you probably have some of your own by now). With this in mind, you can nix the whole process of fantasizing about normal sex with more attractive people and upgrade your fantasies beyond reality. I can testify that there are countless websites on the internet devoted to sexual fantasies that aren’t even physically possible. If you can find one that fits you (they aren’t universal after all), anyone that asks you if X is hot or not will never get the answer their dirty little mind is looking for out of you in a lifetime.

Drugs

Unlike sex, drugs aren’t really something you can content yourself with just by fantasizing about the drug that will give you mental clarity all the way until your golden years (we can, but it doesn’t help resist the temptation). The old method used to be to get a hobby; to occupy your mind with something equally as pleasing. This works nicely, but only as long as you can ignore drug dealers’ claims that hockey, monster trucks, the biathlon, and any other hobbies you might pursue are 'gay.' Ultimately, you will need to think of some quick responses to the dealers’ many ‘positive reasons’ to smoke marijuana, generally the first thing someone will try to sell to you. Here are some popular phrases and the answers that shut them up:

Marijuana is all natural. “So is poison ivy, but that’s not going in my mouth!”

The Beatles did it. “Yeah, I know. How else could Yoko have an LP?”

Marijuana has medical purposes. “Then why hasn’t it helped your sick mind any?”

Everyone’s doing it. This one needs to be taken in two steps. First, start off with a spin on the old mother’s cliche ‘if everyone jumps off a cliff, does that mean you have to?’ It has to be original though, because if you’re not running rings around them logically and simultaneously making them look stupid, they won’t hear it. My personal favorite is ‘If everyone opens an umbrella up their asses (etc.).’ Even to this, anyone that also smokes what they sell will pause for a moment, then say: ‘Yeah.’ Be prepared for this; imagine ahead of time what would happen if everyone performed the act and how it would benefit you. In my case: ‘Fine. I’ll get a cheap Ferrari because everyone else will be able to ride nothing but motorized razor scooters for the rest of their lives.’

Remember, anyone that wants to sell you anything that can be puffed or snorted wants to profit from a cheap laugh, but why do that when you can have hours of fun at their expense for free?

Alcohol

Alcohol generally becomes a problem in college, not because the product itself is so tempting, but because the college experience naturally generates a feeling that one needs to misbehave. Basically, you’ve spent your entire life up to this point under your parents’ roof. Nothing personal can be done under these circumstances; you either run the risk of getting them pissed off or having them spread your secrets through a gossip line. Then all of a sudden, you are in college, accompanied only by a roommate that’s gone half the day, leaving you with a lot of time to yourself. Suddenly, there’s a whole array of activities that come to mind.

I remember when I moved in to my off-campus apartment in August of 2003. Both of my rooms in the last two houses we lived in didn’t even have doors to separate me from prying eyes in the hallway. Now all of a sudden I had privacy, and the first thing that came to mind was this: ‘What can I do here that my mother would’ve called an exorcist on me for back home?’

The thought of purchasing alcohol did cross my mind, but instead I settled for taking a leak with the bathroom door open. It might sound immature, but it serves the same purpose: to physically partake in life’s new possibilities.

My guess is that most people turn to drinking because most college students live in dorm rooms with more than one roommate. As a result, something like the bathroom procedure may not be an option- its easier to go to a big party designed for the sole purpose of misbehaving. The important thing, therefore, when considering your ritual activity, is to keep in mind that shame will no longer be an issue; your parents are no longer watching, and the chances of your roommates being out of the room the exact same times you are is drastically slim. You will have time to yourself, and the important thing is to keep in mind that whatever you do in the dorm room while your roommates are out will be your secret. With this in mind, you could reduce your ritual down to infantile acts like watching Hamtaro or making armpit noises.

It sounds stupid I know, but just remember: noone will ever know.